I hate myself...I want to...kill...YOU!!

We were at my friends house, no, actually from our bassist home where we used to tune up a little songs and drank booze after, we can call it "Limelight of the Week" because the "get-together" thing. I am too damn exhausted last night, slight chills and colds. My eyes was watery and my skin's burning up and I can't do anything, except to eat that dinner that his wife prepared. While conceiving the food, we watched some videos that taken from the previous gigs of ours. It was good... for them... and boy, I sucked BIG TIME! I don't know if that's a tune. I said to myself "Yeah, that's me alright!" and Aj (bass) said "Pamalit ka na Niq!" and laughed his ass off. It was taken as a joke but not for me. I don't take that because it is true, I have to be replace after all. I've been in this kind of... leisure since the whole thing began to my life and never saw it coming, It took me more than a decade just to see myself in the video "I fucked up". I only see a drunken asshole singing some tunes that's not even a note, my ears bleed. and I don't need any criticism just to accept things as my fault. I AM CRITICIZING MYSELF AS "MY FAULT!" and that irritates me.

After that dinner, I got my cigs in my hand and went outside the house, one after the other they also withdrew themselves from the TV and join me. I know what's next "What was that all about? What the hell happened to you?" You don't have to ask me that over and over again. I said, "Hindi ko na kaya" and Rommel said "Nabibingi ka lang" and I back talked liked "No! Hindi ko na kaya." while Aj said Music is an endless learning, progressive (or something like that) and I took a chance to spill it out "you can also earn that as an individual, an observer perhaps. Appreciation. You don't have to learn music because you're in a band".

We went home that night without saying any syllables to chop. I feel weak. I said to Rommel (drummer) "I'll find my own replacement, what do you prefer, babae o lalake?" he was in shocked... also pissed, like: what world do you came from to say such a thing? Simple... I want to take a break, no, too lame, I'm quitting!It's not a new issue to him, I want to do that two years ago. I have my reasons and nadagdagan pa. I'm quitting because I don't want to, I'm quitting because I have to. I don't want to stay here for all of you because of my abilities to run things, I want to stay here because you need my me, my talent. I am just a normal-unsuccessful vocalist of a group that maintain for the last eight years who fucked up her forte and wants to leave, can't you understand as simple as that? He was scared (I think) because he knew that I will be back someday, not to them but to another group. So what? I can't promise myself to turn against the one thing I love, I'm just not that naive to let another one take my seat. I don't know, maybe I am. Ang gulo!

I said to myself before (when I was 29) after the next to years aayaw na ako. And maybe nows the time. I am 31 at exactly 15hrs, 12mins and 25secs.

DEATH STAR CANTEEN

Darth Vader: I will have the penne al arrabiata
Canteen Staff: You need a tray...
Darth Vader: Do you know who I am?
Canteen Staff: Do you know who I am?
Darth Vader: This is not a game of "Who the fuck are you?" for I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.
Canteen Staff: Well, you still need a tray...
Darth Vader: No I wouldn't need a tray, I don't need a tray to kill you. I can kill without a tray with the power of the force which is strong within me though I could kill you with a tray If I so wish. For I can hack at your neck with a thin bid until the blood flow on the canteen floor.
Canteen Staff: No, the food is hot. You need a tray to put the food on...
Darth Vader: Oh I see the food is hot I'm sorry, I did not realize. Oh yes, haha... I thought you're challenging me to the fight to the death?
Canteen Staff: Fight to the death? This is canteen, I work here.
Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader... Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to the death... Lord Vader, Darth Vader?... Sir Lord Vader?...Lord...Sir...Darth?... The Death Star, I run the death Star?
Canteen Staff: What's the Death Star?
Darth Vader: This is the Death Star, you're in the Death Star... I run this Star...
Canteen Staff: This is a Star?
Darth Vader: This is a fucking star... I run it. I'm your boss!
Canteen Staff: Oh you're Mr. Stevens?
Darth Vader: No... I'm... who's Mr. Stevens?
Canteen Staff: He's head of the Catering...
Darth Vader: I'm not the head of the catering... I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought...
Canteen Staff: What?
Darth Vader: I can kill you with a thought... I can kill you all with a thought... I can kill me with a thought...Fuck! I get a tray...fuck it!...This one's wet...this one's wet...this one's wet...this one's wet...this one's wet...this one's wet...this one's wet...this one's wet...Did you dry this in a runforest, why?... With the power of the Death Star did we not have a tray which is fucking dry?... No...No..No... I was here first!
1st Customer: You have to form a line if you want food... Well can I have a penne al arrabiata...that will be nice...
Darth Vader: No...Do you know who I am?
2nd Customer: That's Jeff Vader that is?
Darth Vader: No...No...No...I'm not Jet Vader, Im Darth Vader...
1st Customer: What?....Jet Vader, runs the Death Star?
Darth Vader: No...Jeff...I'm Darth Vader, I run the Death Star!
3rd Customer: You're Jeff Vader?
Darth Vader: No...No...No...I'm not Jet Vader, Im Darth Vader...
3rd Customer: Are you his brother, can you get his autograph?
Darth Vader: No I can't get...Jeff...I'm Darth...Alright I'm Jeff Vader... I'm Jeff Vader.
2nd Customer: Can I have your autograph?
Darth Vader: No! Fuck off! Or I will kill you with a tray!... Give me penne al arrabiata or you shall die...and you...and you...and you and everyone else in this canteen. Death by Tray it shall be!
Canteen Staff: Wooooh! Do you want peas with that?
Darth Vader: Peas...it don't have peas! You can't put peas...it's red it doesn't work on penne...you can't unless you push it that will be weird...oh alright put some peas!!

I wish I knew how to QUIT you....YOSI!

The taming time again are here and decided to quit(again)smoking and you know it's hell. Yesterday I tried to have a four sticks of cigs...from morning till out from the office but NO NO...when I came home...ayun nag iinuman mismo sa bahay....lintek! nasira promise ko sa sarili ko....grrrrrr....PUFF PUFF PUFF!

I don't know how to deal with someone who got some issue. I've been there to understand every single strand of his personality and it's too damn exhausting.

Big Mistake

One thing for sure...I made the biggest mistake...I didn't pop the question. Now I regret it for the rest of my life. Cowardly unspoken, guilt...everything... I don't know if it's the right thing to do or in another way around but perhaps it's the best and cause I can't turn back the time... Goodbye is the only word that will sound.

Holy Week

Holy Week or Greater Week, the last week of Easter, Hebdomada Sancta or just plain old words Semana Santa at Mahal na Araw. The days which we depicted as HOLY or bukod sa pasko meron pang tumitino sa araw ng Marso o Abril. It is a tradition among Christianity where we used to lament at Christ crucification. Some sorrow, some are feast. Some used to have their Panata and some are not. I used to have this so-called Panata of mine few years ago, Opo meron at ako po e bumabasa ng pasyon and I have few ten tunes noh! I'm going to start at 10pm and magpapahinga kami by 4am, then kapag friday na balik kami ng 10am until matapos na sya ng 3pm at tsaka kami manonood ng Horror Films na inarkila bago mag mahal na raw hahaha. But after that year I decided to switch and give a little kick, pahirapan daw ba lalo ang sarili. I'm talking about the famous Grotto Walk. I did only one time and that's the last of it. AYOKO NA! I got cramps everywhere, calluses, backpain, bruises and fever after that. Ikaw ba naman maglakad ng nuknukan ng layo na yung Islander ko naging spartan na sa nipis.
This Lenten season, I watched the penitensya (you know,palo-palo sa likod) and unique part was from Tanza (Navotas) some men used to crawl from the street, matching cloth on their face. I freaked out when I first saw that seven years ago e yun pala tradisyon nila yun at akala ko may ginugulping tambay. Gumagapang sila from post to post, libutin ang buong subdivision (and hell ang laki nun ha) and while they pause e hinahampas sila ng ewan ko kung anu tawag dun and you'll start to see them from Monday-Thaursday upto Holy Thursday. Good Friday will be the blast, Ayun may prosisyon ng nagpipinitensya...Ang lansa coz you smell the blood gushing out from their skin at kapag minalas kapa, matatalsikan ka pa ng dugo. I remember when I was a kid, kapag tumungtong na Huwebes Santo wala ng palabas at the afternoon maliban sa Seven Last Words at channel 9 and some few old movies where I watched The San Lorenzo Ruiz Story, Moises (Burt Lancaster) at ang walang kamatayan naThe Redeemer (remember that movie? Yung Christ na hindi nagpapakita ng face). Lubusin mo na kapag thursday dahil magbabalik program lang kapag Easter Sunday na. And when that sunday came, ayun hanapan na ng itlog na halos masira na yung tanim na halaman at bulaklak ng kapitbahay namin na halos habulin kami ng pamalo...hahaha