We were at my friends house, no, actually from our bassist home where we used to tune up a little songs and drank booze after, we can call it "Limelight of the Week" because the "get-together" thing. I am too damn exhausted last night, slight chills and colds. My eyes was watery and my skin's burning up and I can't do anything, except to eat that dinner that his wife prepared. While conceiving the food, we watched some videos that taken from the previous gigs of ours. It was good... for them... and boy, I sucked BIG TIME! I don't know if that's a tune. I said to myself "Yeah, that's me alright!" and Aj (bass) said "Pamalit ka na Niq!" and laughed his ass off. It was taken as a joke but not for me. I don't take that because it is true, I have to be replace after all. I've been in this kind of... leisure since the whole thing began to my life and never saw it coming, It took me more than a decade just to see myself in the video "I fucked up". I only see a drunken asshole singing some tunes that's not even a note, my ears bleed. and I don't need any criticism just to accept things as my fault. I AM CRITICIZING MYSELF AS "MY FAULT!" and that irritates me.
After that dinner, I got my cigs in my hand and went outside the house, one after the other they also withdrew themselves from the TV and join me. I know what's next "What was that all about? What the hell happened to you?" You don't have to ask me that over and over again. I said, "Hindi ko na kaya" and Rommel said "Nabibingi ka lang" and I back talked liked "No! Hindi ko na kaya." while Aj said Music is an endless learning, progressive (or something like that) and I took a chance to spill it out "you can also earn that as an individual, an observer perhaps. Appreciation. You don't have to learn music because you're in a band".
We went home that night without saying any syllables to chop. I feel weak. I said to Rommel (drummer) "I'll find my own replacement, what do you prefer, babae o lalake?" he was in shocked... also pissed, like: what world do you came from to say such a thing? Simple... I want to take a break, no, too lame, I'm quitting!It's not a new issue to him, I want to do that two years ago. I have my reasons and nadagdagan pa. I'm quitting because I don't want to, I'm quitting because I have to. I don't want to stay here for all of you because of my abilities to run things, I want to stay here because you need my me, my talent. I am just a normal-unsuccessful vocalist of a group that maintain for the last eight years who fucked up her forte and wants to leave, can't you understand as simple as that? He was scared (I think) because he knew that I will be back someday, not to them but to another group. So what? I can't promise myself to turn against the one thing I love, I'm just not that naive to let another one take my seat. I don't know, maybe I am. Ang gulo!
I said to myself before (when I was 29) after the next to years aayaw na ako. And maybe nows the time. I am 31 at exactly 15hrs, 12mins and 25secs.
