Movie to dissect: *glance up*
Genre: PG-13, Suspense, Mystery, Disturbing images
as in kinginangyan! (motherbleep!)
Plot: A vengeful (dead) woman raised havoc on
a small town blah blah blah, who needs intros anyway? I peed my pants! There,
that settles it.
Disclaimer: Before I run down the goods and nuts
(along with my other revulsion about the movie) let me remind you people that
these reviews of mine are for reading entertainment only. The views and
opinions presented here are solely my own and not necessarily represent as
facts, so please, don't take it seriously
for crying out loud!
Twenty-four hours ago...
Hmm, let's see. The last time I
acted like an idiot and scream like a five-year old (nibbling nails while
peaking between fingers in front of a big screen) was about ten years ago, and
that movie was Six Sense, and, mind you, the freaking movie itself has a
twisted plot like WTF, leaving you with a burst bladder and that long
occasional trip to the bathroom because you thought some young girl will yank
you to the floor and show you her video. Now, however, my views of
psycho-slash-suspense has changed... and that was just last night - and yep how
stupid am I to let get that through me. Good lord.
I'm talking about The Woman in Black, and hell this
movie is a menacing son of a bitch you'd want to punch somebody in the
face. The movie proves you don't need gore to scare the living daylights
out of you. All you need is a woman with a bad case of PMS dressed in a black
gown and screams like whoa. How many times I knock my coffee mug, shouting
"Run, you asshole, RUN!" I lost count. Believe me I have never
been so freaked out in my life that my daughter had to shush me down for her to
concentrate (note: she was eight). And, if not for the pause button and a
vice-like grip gripping my two hands, pinning where I sat, I'd probably ended
up smashing the TV into pieces.
Okay so yeah, I exaggerate a bit.
It's a cliché horror movie and I'm old enough to deal with this kind
of shit, I know, I know, but... did you see her face? My God, she
used too much amount of talcum powder as if Sadako has a twin.
And her eyes - yikes!
The Woman in Black is the scariest movie I've ever
seen! Well, so far, anyhow. But. Wait. Scratch that. I have no plans to
see another movie like this one anyway so yeah, The Woman in
Black is the creepiest, most I-peed-my-pants film I ever saw. Damn
you Harry for making paranoid out of me! And you too, Daniel! You're the man!
This one's IT! Period. (Say I'm lame and I'll smack your head).
The Anatomy of the Agony...
| Black never goes out of style, eh? |
Once upon a time a woman named
Janet Humfrye bore a son named Nathaniel, however, and because out of wedlock
(plus she's a nutcase) Alice, the owner of the manor, Eel Marsh, and Janet's
sister, adopt the boy and raise as her own. Janet did leave the manor because
of that, but returned without any more hush hush since she can't live without
her son. Alice agreed and allowed her to be the nanny only with one
condition: never reveal her true identity to Nathaniel no matter
what. Of course. Yup. Easy to follow. Don't poke a knife inside the oven
toaster, whatever. But then again, as crazy she was, who knows.
The boy grew up, all became well,
life normal, yada-yada-yada, then the kid died suddenly, succumbed by
marsh (mud for you) for the manor itself was surrounded about, cut out
from the real world by high tides, and sadly, they never found the body. Of
course the mother, who is Janet, after all she'd been through, was devastated,
and later committed suicide by hanging...or pleasured herself with the use
of Baygon, I don't know (guillotine wasn't available) but either way
she succeeds nonetheless after the incident. Years later, Janet, known
presently as a bitch wandering ghost, returned to the manor to set her revenge,
picked the only gown she could find (apparently black) and starts popping where
she wasn't needed; in this case, in front of every child. Rumors said she was
the one who cause death of countless children from
the nearby town. So, to make the long history short, she became
the Angel of Death because she can't deal with her own wacko life.
Fine, I paraphrased a bit. But
you get the picture, right?
One week notice...
 |
| Harry minus the wand + sideburns |
Arthur's a widower, his wife died of childbirth, and though it's been four years, he keeps seeing her still (oh-uh). Heartbroken with a fucked up financial problem, plus his boss keeps breathing down his neck, Arthur left his son with the nanny back home and leave without knowing – rip his boss' fucking head off if he does – to a place where, surprisingly, he was not welcome (don't ask too busy covering my eyes). And when he'd reached the said place, Kipps wondered why the people of the town acted weird; children locked inside their homes, while treating him as a threat to their own humanity, pushing him away (not literally though) towards home. He later learned that who ever encountered the Woman in Black (of which by that time he already did when he reached the Eel Marsh) one of the townsfolk's children's gonna die.
Horseshit, of course, all he wants is to do his job so that his boss would give him second chance. Ghost or none.
“Who’s there?”
When he arrived at the manor for the first time, he noticed things shouldn’t been there, like loud thuds of which impossible done by cats, creaking sounds like “hmm, those landings needs repair” and lastly, the woman in a mourning garb outside the house, standing in the garden, inside the perimeters of the manor surrounded by marsh (oh did I mentioned the manor has its own graveyard? Yep, creepy) Obviously, Kipps doesn’t’ believe in ghost or other spooky stuff (hell if he did he’d run into a freaking oblivion) A Question started inside his head then (no, not where’s the bathroom) but Who’s the woman? He did asked the town police about her, only to be ignored.
When he arrived at the manor for the first time, he noticed things shouldn’t been there, like loud thuds of which impossible done by cats, creaking sounds like “hmm, those landings needs repair” and lastly, the woman in a mourning garb outside the house, standing in the garden, inside the perimeters of the manor surrounded by marsh (oh did I mentioned the manor has its own graveyard? Yep, creepy) Obviously, Kipps doesn’t’ believe in ghost or other spooky stuff (hell if he did he’d run into a freaking oblivion) A Question started inside his head then (no, not where’s the bathroom) but Who’s the woman? He did asked the town police about her, only to be ignored.
Kipps met Sam Daily, a wealthy businessman on that area and his wife, Elizabeth. Daily told him that they too lost their son many years back, but Sam disregards the real reason although it’s right there waving at him, unlike his wife Elizabeth, who throws into tantrums each time “son” was mentioned between sentence.
Kipps begged Sam to help him find the body of Nathaniel, Janet’s son, because there’s a slight probability that Arthur’s son might end with the same fate as well (meaning dead). Daily did, and they found Nathaniel’s body under the mud (oh here’s the catch: the boy is still well preserve) And when Arthur thought it’s wise to meddle with the dead, it was too late. You can hear at the end of the movie (if you manage to finish it, yahoo) you can hear Janet’s voice saying “I’ll never forgive, I’ll never forgive!” or in layman’s term “That’s what you get if you fucked up with women!”
What bogs me really is that all of these (sore throat, body cramps) ended up for nothing. The protagonist died in the end. Sheesh.
But it’s good though. Hey at least they live happily ever after… in a dead way, that is.
 |
| Dad, isn't weird I'm a blond and has no resemblance of you? |
