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| IT'S PERM, ASSHOLE! |
Year: 2010
Genre: Mythology, Gods and Goddesses, heroes and men, dudes with muscles, protagonist with issues XD
Plot: Angered by men, the Gods finally gave their wrath and punished those who wronged them. No really, they did O.O
Disclaimer: Before I run down the goods and nuts, along with my other revulsion about the movie, let me remind you people that these reviews of mine are for reading entertainment only, views and opinions presented here are solely my own and not necessarily represent as facts, so please don't take it seriously, for crying out loud..
Hades, the brother of Zues and Poseidon, and King of the Underworld waited for his revenge against his family who tricked him by making him the ruler of the dead. And that day finally came when the people of Argos thought they were so cool they defiled the Gods and turned against them. Idiots.
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| "I'm gonna do what?" |
Meanwhile Perseus, the umpteenth son of Zeus to a mortal woman, was with his
adoptive parents when all the maddening events happened. And the result, his
father, along with his mother and his little sister, died (in this event they
were drowned – they were fishermen), and the only one left alive was Perseus.
Perseus was rescued by Draco, a soldier from Argos, after Perseus family's boat was dragged under the ocean, and luckily survived and let himself float. But when Draco found out what the boy's true identity he imprisoned him. Bummer.
While in prison, sulking, lamenting the good old days, Perseus met a mysterious woman named Io and told the young lad she was her protector-slash-stalker since the day Perseus was
born. Perseus also learned that he was a demi-god; half human half god, and his
father was none other than Zeus who, Perseus noted irritably, his foster father and along with the rest of the mortals, had lost faith with - the reason of all these fuck
ups, and Perseus was like “Anymore bad news, bitch? Bring it on!” lol
Before the Journey...
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| "Focus with your strength...not on my tits!" |
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| "Give us Bieber!" |
The Stygians
The Stygians are the three Gray women who are blinds, or literally, no eyes but one and that they shared it to one another (talking about hygiene huh?) When the gang found them over the high misty, dim mountains, Perseus used his wit and tricked the Gray women by taking the eye and would throw it away if his question has not been answered (witty bastard). The trick worked and they blurred out all the answers Perseus needed to know. The witches said they must go to Medussa and take her head...or something like that. They left the mountains immediately after that and followed the Stygians' instruction. They've been warned, too, that this Medussa monster would be difficult one to capture, let alone whack her head off from her neck. But the group Perseus' with were experienced warriors. However they didn't expect how dangerous it was to deal with a woman who has the worst case of PMS since the day her head sprang out with snakes, and has eyes who can turn men's balls into stone lol.
The Stygians are the three Gray women who are blinds, or literally, no eyes but one and that they shared it to one another (talking about hygiene huh?) When the gang found them over the high misty, dim mountains, Perseus used his wit and tricked the Gray women by taking the eye and would throw it away if his question has not been answered (witty bastard). The trick worked and they blurred out all the answers Perseus needed to know. The witches said they must go to Medussa and take her head...or something like that. They left the mountains immediately after that and followed the Stygians' instruction. They've been warned, too, that this Medussa monster would be difficult one to capture, let alone whack her head off from her neck. But the group Perseus' with were experienced warriors. However they didn't expect how dangerous it was to deal with a woman who has the worst case of PMS since the day her head sprang out with snakes, and has eyes who can turn men's balls into stone lol.
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| Draco teaching Perseus how to use chopsticks XD |
But before this account had happened, they came across with much perilous
adventure. While resting in the forest Draco trained Perseus how to fight. They
have this blah blah between them first, argued about why this unknown young
man, and son of the most powerful God at that, happens to be a jerk. Perseus
said he doesn't want any help from his so-called father or from any of the Gods
for that matter. He will do the job his way, and no one, not even Io's
twinkling eyes, can tell him what or how he must do it. And all of them looked
at him with pride and vigour. The lad has spirit...
...or maybe they just want to say "yep it's official. This kid is a whacko."
Evening came, still in the forest, Zeus decided to give his son a weapon, a sword, fashioned only for a god-like, forged from the Mt. Olympus, and because Perseus is a half-breed, he's the only one who can use the weapon. But then again, asshole he was, he declined. Reason: same thing. But Draco took the weapon for safekeeping, just in case the boy finally comes to his senses.
The Pegasus and the one ugly mother...
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| "Whoah that's one big...er...cook" |
Preparing to leave, Perseus saw a winged beast called Pegasus, and Io - she's
with them, and she keeps butting in - said the beast cannot be tamed easily; no
one can mount it. But it was message, an aid from the Gods. Perseus has this
duh face but managed to touch the beast. And when he thought he had a moment
there with Io, they heard a scream from one of their comrades. Perseus followed
the scream and there, right in front of him, appeared the ugliest mudahfuckah
he ever seen, Calibos, ripping one of their man in two.
Calibos was King Acrisius cursed form. He's the husband of Perseus' mother,
Danae, and the one who locked them inside the box and then threw them into the
sea. He's a madman indeed, but who wouldn't after seeing his wife bedded by another
and the worst, by Zeus himself. Zeus tricked Danae by masquerading as her
husband, and right after she make love to him, Acrisius entered the room and
bingo, all hell breaks loose.
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| "Trust me. You need a facial..." |
He had lost his mind, and Danae and poor baby Perseus suffered the
consequences. But Zeus punished him, I dunnu for insulting Zeus or throwing the
poor mother and child to the sea. But either indeed was worth it, for Arcrisius
ran away and never return to the land he once ruled. Hades took this chance and
asked the Acrisius-slash-Calibos to help him with his revenge to Zeus. Calibos
agreed and hunt the now grown up bastard who seek the truth behind killing the
Kracken.
So he found the boy he thought he had been killed many years ago. They did fight; Perseus' trying – Calibos enjoying. But oh fuck Calibos was strong. Hades gave him powers to outnumber the young lad. However they are many. Draco’s gang came and flanked him. Shit, Calibos had to flee. They wounded and bleed him, dripping the stone, dripping the sand. Wooopeeedoo. That’s right, ran you bastard. But of course our hero was a hot-headed young son of god, and wants to prove he’s not just a fisherman. He followed the whining Calibos to the open and shit, what was he thinking? He should have stayed in Argos and let himself decay, for he saw something much worse while playing tag with the ugly mudahfuckah. There, from the blood of the cursed king, spawned a Scorpion the size of ten orgying elephants, and Perseus was like “Watdahfuckwuzdat!”
So he found the boy he thought he had been killed many years ago. They did fight; Perseus' trying – Calibos enjoying. But oh fuck Calibos was strong. Hades gave him powers to outnumber the young lad. However they are many. Draco’s gang came and flanked him. Shit, Calibos had to flee. They wounded and bleed him, dripping the stone, dripping the sand. Wooopeeedoo. That’s right, ran you bastard. But of course our hero was a hot-headed young son of god, and wants to prove he’s not just a fisherman. He followed the whining Calibos to the open and shit, what was he thinking? He should have stayed in Argos and let himself decay, for he saw something much worse while playing tag with the ugly mudahfuckah. There, from the blood of the cursed king, spawned a Scorpion the size of ten orgying elephants, and Perseus was like “Watdahfuckwuzdat!”
So yeah the Bigass Scorpions, wretched they was, scared the hell out of everyone, but Perseus managed to kill some of them while Draco, and the rest of his dreadlock men, kill the others. Perseus was sting by one of the Scorpions and Io assumed he would die if there’s no immediate remedy (duh).
But there was a remedy – tadah! - The Djinn.
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| Me, Grimlock wants burger! |
Perseus, his group, and the Djinn, arrived where the Stygians’ live, destroyed their interior decoration and then left them with one good cause; Medusa. As they prepared to party where the gorgon dwelt, the Underworld, Zeus – sheesh took you long enough – appeared and approached his son. The King of the Gods offered Perseus immortality and be one of them. But Perseus declined, and Zeus gave him a golden coin called drachma instead, to use as a bribe for the ferryman of the Underworld.
Perseus entered the Underworld and awed – like wondered what was that smell?? lol - they waited for Charon, the weirdest ferryman they’ll gonna see, to appear before them, and when he did they used the bribed and sailed away.
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| Medusa on PMS mode |
Medusa was a gorgon, a half woman-half serpent, dreadful monster with snakes for her hair and eyes who can turn men into stone. Io said (in this story) that Medusa was once a beautiful woman. So beautiful even Poseidon urged himself to violate her. Athena, in rage, found out about this and punished her instead of helping her. The goddess of wisdom turned the beautiful Medusa into a gorgon so that no one can ever look at her the same way again...and that’s one bitter bitch if you ask me XP.
Io was left behind, for the reason a woman was forbidden to enter the gorgon’s lair *shrugged*. Perseus, the Woodman which was Djinn, Draco, Solon, Eusebius, and Ixas entered the cave – oh before that there’s a powerful speech there made by Perseus but who cares – and then they encountered Medusa, resulting Solon was the first one to go...dead. Draco was next but only to be fatally wounded and Eusebius and Ixas turned immediately into a paper weight after that. The Djinn and Draco then sacrifice themselves to wound Medusa so that Perseus could whack her head off and end their fucking misery.
Happy now, Perseus took the gorgon’s head and left to meet Io outside. There he saw Calibos once again, creeping behind Io and ended up killing her. The two battled once again, pinning Perseus to the ground. Perseus finally realized how stupid it was to use a mortal weapon when fighting the likes of Calibos who’s beating the shit out of him, and uses the sword Zeus gave him. He killed Calibos by piercing him to the heart, and while in death, Acrisius appeared and talked to him. His last words was like “You should have done that before, you asshole” but the real words are “Don’t become one of them.”
Perseus stoop down and held dying Io in his arms, saying to her like blah blah, and her blah blah in return. It was foretold that Perseus destiny is to save Argos from the Kracken and Andromeda from lunch, and Io said that in a real convincing way before their journey started. Off he goes, with new goal and ass kickin' weapon, Perseus uses Pegasus and flew where the Kracken and Hades playing 'who's it' from the screaming crowd of Argos.
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| Put some TicTacs will yah!! |
The Kraken was said - in this movie - was the offspring of Hades and the one was used to defeat the Titans...well that was smart O.o. And after many years, probably a hundred, this same Kraken was called again to service another greedy reason, and that ladies and gentlemen was Hades hidden ambition.
Andromeda was said to be the sacrifice; her bottocks-face mom had the audacity to compare her to the gods, of which was the most stupidest thing a mother could ever think of. But Andromeda accepted her fate and become the heroine of the city. She let herself be tied and eaten alive by the Kraken...
However – drum roll here – Perseus came and save the day. He and Pegasus flew swiftly like Russian pilots, escaping the Furies and, as he stood behind Andromeda, fished the head of Medusa from his bag and raised it to the air, letting the eyes of the gorgon finished the pissed off Kraken by turning him to stone. After few minutes Hades butts in, surprising his nephew shouting something like “You little brat, how dare you”. But Perseus uses the sword Zeus had given him and, with a little help from daddy’s fireworks, stopped Hades by zapping his sorry ass to the ends of the earth.
Perseus knew someday Hades will return to smack his head. But it will take time. And if that time comes, he’ll be ready for it. Right Dad?
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| Shag time! |
WTF was that??
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| Clash of the Titans 1981 |
The first adaptation of this film was made way back 1981,
and the story was very much likely from Greek Mythology – well except for the Kraken, which was Norse – while the 2010
remake...well. They changed EVERYTHING!!
Let me enlighten you...
First things first...why
the fuck Io was included in the remake?? I know change is better but COME
ON! I mean yikes, there’s a gazillion characters in Greek Mythology; a long
list of potential women for our hero, right, so why choose Io?? What is this, a
three in the morning decision? She happens to be a nymph that Zeus’ fell in
love with. In fact the mortal mother of Perseus was literally descended from
her. So if Perseus was partnered with Io...sheesh, you do the math. Bedding your great great grandma, are you
nuts??
Second: Okay so we all know Pegasus was white - in the Remake, black. No problem with that. But what freaks me out was they - by mean they, the actors - called Pegasus with "The" which means he's a somesort of an animal, like the "The" in 'Eye of The Tiger'. HELLO! There's no 'Pegasus' creature in the original movie, let alone in Greek Mythology. Pegasus was the name of the winged horse sprang out from Medusa's blood after Perseus whack her head off. Pegasus was the horse's given name, not what was called.
Third: Argos is not the city where the Kraken would seek havoc at. In Greek mythology it was Ethiopia. In the 1981 movie Joppa. Argos was where Perseus was born - his homeland.
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| Perseus whacking Medusa... |
Fourth: King Arcrisius of Argo is not the husband of Danae (mother of Perseus). Arcrisius was Perseus grandfather.
Fifth: The true reason why Arcrisius locked Danae inside the box and threw her - along with her son - to the ocean was because it was foretold that her daughter will bore a son, and that son of her would be the cause of death of Arcrisius. The King decided to end her daughter's life, but seized himself for the gods forbids the bloodshed of kindred. Instead, he throws them to the ocean, letting their fates control their ends.
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| Calibos |
Sixth: Hades has no part in the story. It was Thetis who came and cursed them.
Seventh: Calibos is not Arcrisius cursed form. He's the son of Thetis and the one who stole Andromeda every night to seed her mind with riddles for her other suitors (she was engaged with him). If the suitors failed to answer the riddle...well - Barbecued!
Eight: There's no Djinn aiding Perseus here. The only aid he'd got are mostly came from Athena and Hermes. The sword from Hermes, the shield from Athena.
Ninth: Perseus was a simple young man and not a self-centered jerk the actor portrayed in the remake.
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| Danae |
Tenth: The man who found Danae's imprisoned box was Dictys, not Spyros. She was alive when Dictys' found her. In Greek Mythology Danae lives to see her son married to Andromeda.
Eleventh: Perseus fell in love with Andromeda the first time he saw her. Good thing there's an alternative ending in the remake or this would be bullshit.
Twelfth: What in the world...?? The Kraken is not Hades offspring. In fact he has none to begin with. Also (in Greek Mythology) it's not the Kraken was sent to destroy the city, it was the Cetus. Kraken was mythical creature of Norse.
Thirteenth: O why o why you always picks on Hades?? He's not a bad guy as other movies or stories portrayed. He's not the sly son of bitch who wants to rule the world yah know. Unpitying and terrible, yes, but not evil. He was the King of the Dead - not Death himself.
Fourteenth: Zeus never offered Perseus to come and live in Olympus with the other gods. There's no demigod ever entered in Olympus. Only one and that is Dionysus, and he's the last one to enter.
Fifteenth: Io was turned into a heifer by Hera, so if ever Io made journey with Perseus probably she would end up roasted and eaten by the others lol.
Sixteenth: And lastly...who the hell is Prokopion??? O.o
Comments from FB:
Comments from FB:
Steff Dereja This is more of a detailed summary that points out the accuracy flaws of the story. More of like a commentary even. Try to criticize the narrative of the film more. You should consider the other elements of the film-cinematography, editing, production design, and sound din. I do dig the tone of your writing. Yeah, go writing reviews! :)
19 hours ago · ·
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MoNiq Caidic-Roman
When it comes to that (and that is your forte) I admit I'm just a grunt compare to you XDD. The remake gave me awes, really: the FX, 3D's, everything!--popped my eyes! but in my reviews I did disregard that element, for the reason, perhaps, I'm more into stories (or whatever they called it) because it freaks me out when things are or aren't suppose to be there. I don't care if its low-budgeted. As long it relates and no confusion to the viewers (as like they made an idiot out of watchers) that's fine with me. Ei thanks pointing things out and YEP, more reviews soon!
2 hours ago ·
Chrissy Agbayani
This is frigging badass! Right now, I have this strong urge to worship you, seriously. ;D I've watched this movie a couple of times on cable TV and I have to admit that I kinda liked it. I guess if you're not too familiar with Greek mythology, you wouldn't really know that there are lots of flaws in it and I'm glad to know what those are. ;D Additional info and knowledge, FTW. :D Thanks for tagging me in this review. Will you be doing another one soon? :)
2 hours ago ·
MoNiq Caidic-Roman Yep hehe...but meron din ako Twilight kaso pinutol ko na, baka kasi mademanda na aq for spilling the beans XDDDD
2 hours ago ·
Chrissy Agbayani NO! I'd love to read that. I really, really want to read that! SHOW IT TO ME! LOL. But since ayaw kitanf mademanda and I don't want you to be stalked/assaulted/attacked/mauled/murdered by angry Twilight fans, I understand. XDD
2 hours ago ·
