 |
| Two non virgin vampies XDD |
Genre: Romance, fantasy, good vampires, badass vampires, werewolves, shirtless
dudes, smut smut smut, and other things I couldn't even pronounce Argh!
Plot: Hail "Love can move mountains" cause pretty boy vampy and
emo-girl proved those A-holes what love can do if you really put your fangs - heart! – into it. And to piss everyone more, they finally
tied the knots hurhurhur.
And oh! There's
a baby involved here resulting from a barbaric love making ^_^
Disclaimer: Before I run down the goods and nuts - along with my other
revulsion about the movie - let me remind you people that these reviews of mine
are for reading entertainment only. The views and opinions presented here are
solely my own and not necessarily represent as facts, so please don't take it seriously, for crying
out loud.
Okay for
those who haven't seen the movie sorry 'bout the Spam Alert. It caught anyone's
attention - even mine and I can't
believe I'm doing this - for the reason it's the talk of the town, that
you don't have to pay a brow-raised prices or hunt down every pirated dvd's to
know it all. Everywhere you look, in between news, radio shows, in the
newspapers, network sites, YOUTUBE - POW,
it's there! Heck even a nine-year old girl know's what Edward
and Bella wears when they're... er... nevermind!
The much
awaited movie of the year finally comes and indeed peeps all over the world
played the part of ransacking every joint just to see it and meegawd, there's no moviehouse without
those long lines of Twilight fanatics like last survivor on earth screaming and
wailing you thought your ears gonna bleed. Breaking Dawn was perhaps the most titillating and excruciating movie
ever made among the Twilight Sagas...
Er?
Wait. Erase
that. I may be mistaken, because I've heard most fans have their own version of Huh moment the time the movie
ended... hmmm took them long enough.
Funny even my friend - and she's a fanatic believe me - scratched her head
while showing her 'wtf' expression towards me. She's expecting something like
'I told you so' after screaming her anxiety to my face. But thus I seized
myself. I want to hear more about how pissed off she was, really. One fan
down hurhurhur XD
Breaking
Down maybe the highlight of Edward-Bella love affair but really, and I mean
REALLY, some plots have WTF and illogical sense... hmmm as if that was
new O.o. Like for instance. What's
with the old fashion-I'm-a-virgin-thing? Oh please that can't be true?
Edward the Immortal? Virgin? Shocks! If Bella's the first girl ever to bed
Edward then woopeefuckingdoo for you girl, these days you
can't have that kind of a man in a gazillion years.
Imagine countless girls (and gays) who dreamed to be in Bella's shoes when the Vanity Fair-style wedding flashed the screen. And what's more, see that alabaster form strip-off his remaining clothes as if you want to grow fangs so that you can gnaw that sunuhvabitch right then and there. However, if Bella (oh I wish) was smart enough when the revelation slapped her face, she doesn't to be a genius to do the math.
If a guy claims he's celibate for a century, then I think there's a problem there, deary.
I mean Edward is what, a hundred years old, and before that he's a human before some plague bites his ass? Or better yet, Dr Cullen thought of something humane and save the dying young man from croaking? Oh come one! Humans, especially guys, do silly things while in puberty. If these ideas did wake Bella's brain cells she might have to say, "Edward, you nitwit, you once a life-breathing teenager with normal colored skin and know how to use combs, my freaking goodness sweetheart, what the hell is wrong with you??"
Imagine countless girls (and gays) who dreamed to be in Bella's shoes when the Vanity Fair-style wedding flashed the screen. And what's more, see that alabaster form strip-off his remaining clothes as if you want to grow fangs so that you can gnaw that sunuhvabitch right then and there. However, if Bella (oh I wish) was smart enough when the revelation slapped her face, she doesn't to be a genius to do the math.
If a guy claims he's celibate for a century, then I think there's a problem there, deary.
I mean Edward is what, a hundred years old, and before that he's a human before some plague bites his ass? Or better yet, Dr Cullen thought of something humane and save the dying young man from croaking? Oh come one! Humans, especially guys, do silly things while in puberty. If these ideas did wake Bella's brain cells she might have to say, "Edward, you nitwit, you once a life-breathing teenager with normal colored skin and know how to use combs, my freaking goodness sweetheart, what the hell is wrong with you??"
But the film
itself, I admit, captured the taste of nextgen teenage girls and middle-aged
women (okay some guys too) and producers can't have that everyday. Although
there's countless CG's have made for this film (perhaps Jacob's abs XD) the
fans droop on emotions, the scenery, the themes. They don't care if Edward grew
fangs in odd places, they don't care if Jacob has these hormonal imbalances and
urged to pound everything that moves, they don't care how the hell Bella
delivers her blank expression, they don't care what the other characters do when
they pissed, as long the story fits, the true power of love, the dubious
outcomes of Right vs. Wrong, either from the protagonist or the anti's - the
fans don't give a shit. It spikes them, they relate, dunno how, but it did.
Perhaps the psychological thinking of people that, for many years, they long to
have happily ever after. Well, who wouldn't? Who wouldn't want to be swooped off
their feet by a charming, handsome young (?) man, and another handsome
(shirtless) young man, battling one another just to have your attention, give
everything what you wish, even the head of Medusa on a stick? Just imagine. Ooh
what a squeeeeealing moment that would be XP.
The tug of
war of the insatiable love affair of which, for example, Jacob's longing for
Bella who promise to be there to protect her and cherish her until his
last shredding comes to an end - while
mutely hide his irritation to this other dude and doesn't know if
he'll curse himself for not ripping the guy's white freaking head off
when he had a chance - was perhaps the most pathetic and, at the same
time, romantic part of the movie (shut up, it's my POV anyway). Think about it:
Jacob is the stand-out-guy, the lay-your-head-upon-my-shoulder kinda martyr who
can't see straight; the second choice if all fucks up in the end, but has the abs
of a hulkster features. He's a good guy and damn sexy one too, and we can all
chorus if that yummy-yummy part of his becomes literally alive so we can all
eat 'em raw *drooling*
Huh? *slap slap slap* WTF was that??
Huh? *slap slap slap* WTF was that??
So okay
let's just say how bitchy it was for Bella not choosing the poor bastard and
have Edward instead. Wait. Does anyone notice she always attracts the
not-normal? (Whoah shit! Quick! Hide
the Unicorn!) Even before that she couldn't see the difference between a normal guy
and a dude who can suck you up dry. Weird. Creepy. Yikes! Anyway, Bella Swan is the heroine
of the film (was and hopefully will over soon - oh please god) and
the love of Edwards life and became Bella Swan-Cullen the Vampire's Wife after
few scrutinizing years. Who would have thought that could happen, I mean who
would have thought someday Edward will fall in love with dinner, or worse,
married dinner? The amour between them proved – though shit at times – desensitize
even the improbable. But Bella, whom thinks otherwise before, throws it all,
took her chances, and blared the I do with the man she loves. Yup, parody.
But Bella is
a human. Edward is a vampire. And when you put that two together, what will you
get...?
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Yet noooooooooo. This is a romance fantasy film so impossibles is possible. (Sorry guys, need more powers here O.o)
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Yet noooooooooo. This is a romance fantasy film so impossibles is possible. (Sorry guys, need more powers here O.o)
Oh and
here's more - there's a baby. A baby, mind you, who grew limbs in nanoseconds
inside Mommy Bella's tummy (and I thought I had laid the fuck ups but sheeesh,
it keeps getting better and better). So yeah after all the roundabout wars of
the worlds, Bella and Edward finally settled down, got married, hump-hump-hump then
boom - baby!
Here's the
catch...
The unborn
child of the couple will be the superbly human-slash-vampy half-breed abomination
the enemies wants to lay hands upon (I think O.o) Michael Sheen who portrays the leader
werewolf Lucian in Underworld 1 & 3, and now a vampire head named jkfjnjs-fuck-the-name-hucares,
heard about the child, and his hands went go gaga to have it.
But of course the good guys - Jacob Black's butt-licking pacts and Bella's one of a kind in-laws - must save the day (finders-keepers you jerks!), and while both vampires plotting around, batting eyelashes with each other while blurring wattahfuckscript, Bella, who suffered all the ancestral war shit, finally gave birth in a gruesome premature way. My friend described how macabre it was her eyes popped out, as she saw how badass poor Bella delivery was as if Caezarians are made for kindergartens. They slice her smooth tummy without any help of anesthesia while the mother in the making is silently cursing everyone around, especially to Edward who haven't done a thing but to have that load of bricks kinda guilt of why he never thought of not pounding his wife in the first place, let alone for not using condoms (oh for fuck sakes!) and just pray to godknowswho to save her. What were you thinking, Edward? Did you take crazy-pills or something? Sheesh. Men.
But of course the good guys - Jacob Black's butt-licking pacts and Bella's one of a kind in-laws - must save the day (finders-keepers you jerks!), and while both vampires plotting around, batting eyelashes with each other while blurring wattahfuckscript, Bella, who suffered all the ancestral war shit, finally gave birth in a gruesome premature way. My friend described how macabre it was her eyes popped out, as she saw how badass poor Bella delivery was as if Caezarians are made for kindergartens. They slice her smooth tummy without any help of anesthesia while the mother in the making is silently cursing everyone around, especially to Edward who haven't done a thing but to have that load of bricks kinda guilt of why he never thought of not pounding his wife in the first place, let alone for not using condoms (oh for fuck sakes!) and just pray to godknowswho to save her. What were you thinking, Edward? Did you take crazy-pills or something? Sheesh. Men.
The Lovers...
 |
| "There's this one invention called COMB, boy!" |
Full name: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen
Age before succumbing into vampiric world: 17
Current age: Let's just say the Swan can sue him for pedophile XD
Status: Married on a diet.
Okay hold it. Yes he's cute. Yes he's sexy - if you're into guys like him, and yes his hair was like to Bieber which you can see everywhere, mopping the heads of any Dreamboy you want to smut with. However, it's not the physical looks of the guy the girls dig (yeah right), it's the... er... how can I describe this. Oh! Right. The stability of his will, that though it was forbidden to have a human as a paramour, still he let those feelings overwhelmed him (yay!). It took him centuries to hold that kind of element, and when Cupid successfully knocked his head with a tire iron, Edward finally compensates, ignored the red flag and began to fill the missing pieces of his boring, monotonous, empty life, which he should have done a long time ago. He was the same age as Bella when Spanish Influenza tries to run him over and that was 8403830* years ago (*needs editing lol). He was bitten out of sympathy by Carlisle Cullen, the doctor who attended him that day. Since then his life has changed forever.
 |
| "Oh would you just close your mouth?" |
Full name: Isabella Marie Swan Cullen
Age: 18
Source of transformation: His loving husband!
Status: Married (and I think she's into Divorce - surely >.<)
Bella's character is kinda... blank. I dunno how to describe her but that. However, and honestly, she's a dish - if closing her mouth was not included. She's one example of "I fear but I must" and by knowing her by watching, you can tell she's one strong woman - if you define it as a figure of speech. One thing that extract her from others - including vampires - was her mind is impenetrable. She's one walking block-slapping-brain girl. No one knows what's inside her coconut head (and perhaps herself too). According to the book "she was born in Forks, Washington, and lived with her mother, growing up mainly in Riverside, California, and Phoenix, Arizona" - of which I find it stupid, obviously her skin color was pale.
