BLUEPOWDER: November 2010

Author: Unanimo

Disclaimer: This article of mine is for reading entertainment only. Views and opinions presented here are solely my own and not necessarily represent as facts.

Language: English-Filipino

Warning: Hindi pwede sa bata lintik!

Infidelity sa workplace is very common.

Paminsan minsan kailangan ng Tapao-o.

Pamilyar na ba sa’yo ang salitang ‘blame it on her’ at ‘it’s all her fault’? Ay, malamang! Dahil kahit sa tabloid at showbiz news mababasa at makikita yan. Kung minsan nga nauuwi pa sa demandahan, sakitan, suntukan, sabunutan at, ‘wag naman sana lagi, patayan. Hay naku, babae nga naman.

How about "I’m the mistress", querida, and, in some cases, as if like you haven’t got any clue what’s going on inside your friend’s head by having some extracurricular activity every Wednesday at her new refurbished condo—of which naniwala ka naman na nabili n’ya yon sa pagiging secretary n’ya—and then finally shared something very, very delicate (or stupidity, if you refer it) with you because she can’t handle her burning candle anymore by dropping a bomb like, “Freeeeend, isa akong kabit!” Bonga, di ba? Kaloka!

Malamang ikaw o baka isa sa kaibigan mo nakaranas ng betrayal o infidelity (a.k.a.: rockin’ on the same boat) Hindi tayo alien sa mga ganitong issue. Kahit seven-year old alam yan. Pero sa totoo lang, sino ba ang may kasalanan, sino ba talaga ang biktima? Whom do we point our finger, and if we did, is it right to label her the scarlet letter? Is it right to nail the bastard who done this to you? Is it right to gain sympathy then and there, especially sa legal na kinakasama? Tama ba na kampihan ang alam mong tama pero isa ka rin pala sa engot na hindi nag-a-analyze ng sitwasyon? Is it right na dwelo nalang para malaman kung sino matibay? Tama ba ang salitang ‘Lalaki kasi yan kaya ganyan’ o di kaya ‘Naghahanap lang ng karinyo yan kaya nagwala yan?

Daming tanong ano? hindi mo malaman kung s’an ka papanig.

Pero bago tayo mag react, let’s analyze the dilemma, shall we?

A) Rope. B) Baygon. C) Sleeping Pills

Let’s talk about some of the EVE’s: the legal wife, at ang kauna-unahan d’yan ay yung tinatawag na ‘The Typical Kind’. Eto yung suburban wife, often called martyrs, the victim, or, ika nga ng iba, TANGA, once her man had done something very, very...I don’t know...kagaguhan, pero pinatawad pa rin.

I once favoured my kumare over his adulterous husband kahit na her husband was my real friend, sa kadahilanang; (a) she often labelled herself as the weaker sex; (b) she isolates herself knowing only to serve her husband kasi akala n’ya women are the weaker sex; (c) being the weaker sex means oo ka na lang ng oo sa lahat, as if something like “Yes, yes, dear. You can spend the half—wait, why not full? Alright, all your salary to your ‘significant friend’ basta umuwi ka lang dito sa bahay”; (d) she couldn’t dispose her husband though she knew what ‘significant other’ means kasi she has no one else to turn to. And finally, and this may sound a little bit harsh; (e) N’ong nagpa-ulan ng katangahan ang diyos ng hunghang, sinapo ng kumare ko lahat!

If you’re in my shoe what will you do? Malamang aalalayan mo yung naaapi at ipagtatangol mo kasi alam mo yun ang TAMA (o baka kasi magpakamatay at isa ka pa sa masisi).

Noting the obvious?

Sabi ng iba ang normal or typical legal wives are docile sa mga ganitong sitwasyon. Nararamdaman na hindi pa rin kumikibo. Mali nga naman ang maghinala, pero sa tingin ko hindi naman masama ang magtanong (‘tangna, parang may aamin ah. Wrong advice—erase-erase-erase). But really, no one can blame this kind of women. In love sila sa husband nila eh.

But seriously, have you ever wonder why these women often victimized? Why do husbands look for someone else? Because, at sa tingin ko lang ha, these women have a—yup!—no self confidence o self esteem, always making their lives miserable without sensible reasons or—oh, and this is such a cliché—hindi man lang mag-ayos ng sarili n’ya! Yung bang amoy paksiw na kapag sumalubong sa asawa. Ewww, di ba? Kahit ako kapag naging ganon itutulak ko sarili ko sa bintana eh. May hahalik ba naman sa’yong amoy bawang kung hindi ka mainis. I know it sounds impractical but believe me, men don’t like that. Always. A man wants a woman who can deal with problems without nagging someone’s brains out. A man wants her woman to be smart, viable, sensible, tough on some occasion - well, kung gusto mo physically bahala ka, basta you can deliver yourself beautifully in front of everybody. And lastly, and this is important, a man wants her woman to be HOT. Hah! Tell me one guy who doesn’t at babatukan ko.

A sign that says you're chained.

A married woman contentedly regards ‘I’m married to her’ would always be inside their husband’s mind. WRONG. Too bad, girl, it doesn’t work that way. Men needs to be reminded as men needs their daily intake of medication. Men need to be reminded as to ‘keep off the grass’ (haha grass). Men are adventurous like a two-year old boy, you have to snatch him away before he could burn his finger to a stove, and then lagyan ng placard that says ‘don’t touch this’. Men forget things, not in a purposely way but in an odd way. You have to remind your man why he married you, why he chose you, and why he’s so damn crazy about you. And I don’t think that’s not hard one to figure it out. Why do you have to let your man choose someone else besides you if you yourself have the confidence to top them all? Ask yourself, the answer is right in front of you.

Any Advice? Aside for being sexy in front of his eyes, there are still more you need to sop up so that he would beg for more. Ano yung mga yon, simple lang; Food, Sex, and Silence (FSS para hindi mo makalimutan), o ika nga ni Chris Rock “Feed me, fuck me, and shut the fuck up.” I know, I know, slave ka na sa umaga, puta ka pa sa gabi. Tough but definitely effective.

Paano kamo? Ganito yan.

Demi Moore: She tried and tested.

First, don’t wait for your man to tell you what has to be done; you have a brain to figure it all out. All you need to do is give what he wants. Isipin mo na lang na he’s working his ass off for you to have a good life, para sa’yo at sa mga anak mo (o kung wala kayong anak, e di para sa’yo lang). Feed him, cook his favourite dish, ask him what happened to his day, few chit-chats, few suggestions, few lambing, a massage or whatever ang maisipan mo basta labing ang resulta kung galing s’ya sa work. ‘Wag mo isalubong yung tipong “wala pa tayong bayad sa bahay” at baka mangkok ang bumalik sa tanong mo. Biruin mo na daw ang bagong gising o lasing, ‘wag lang daw sa gutom, pagod at lalo na malayo pa ang payday.

Then after dinner, syempre watching TV muna...then maligo ka na daliiii, sabunin mo na ang dapat mong sabunin habang nalilibang s’ya. Yun yung quiet moments n’ya e, so ibigay mo yun. P’wede mauna ang silence sa sex. Leave him alone if he chose to work at home. Then when everything is clear na, s’yempre sex is on. Sometimes to slave a man’s heart is through his groin and not the stomach. If he wants you to straddle him, then straddle him. Wag ng mag-inarte. Remember: where the groin goes, the heart will follow. Think happy thoughts (as Peter Pan said) and some erotic things so that you could bring out the living daylights out of him. Be alive for your man when it comes to bed, ‘yan ang hanap nila eh. Think about it, it’s their libido for them and paycheck for you. You’re a woman of substance—act like a whore for him once in a while. Mag-asawa naman kayo eh. Surely, walang sasagi sa isip n’ya na palitan ka pa. Ayos di ba?

Ohah!

Next one: The ‘Screw-You’ type. This one is the opposite of Typical. The toughie. In other words, eto naman yung sumobra sa qualification; beautiful, smart, and talentado. Being weak doesn’t apply to this kind of women, at ‘you-go-girl’ ang slogan nila. They know the law of engagement, they know how to atomize their man, they know how to scrutinize every fucking moment their man can do. And yes, they do have circle of friends na magbibigay ng sakit ng ulo sa mga asawang lalaki: a Psychiatrist, a CPA, an Independent, and, kung mamalasin ka nga naman, a Lawyer. They are the worst enemy a man can have. Heck, they are the worst enemy than the wife. You can fuck them but don’t dare fuck with them. They will look at you like a common Adam and saying, “So? Ikaw lang ba lalaki sa mundo?” Nakakatakot ano? Warning ko lang sa mga lalaki, kapag ganito naka-ikot sa asawa mo, ‘wag na ‘wag kang magloloko, dahil mahirap galitin ang babae, lalo na yung mga ganitong klase.

Behind the mask...

Though the ‘Screw-You’ type may appeared to be resilient in front of everybody, but deep inside, her heart wants to burst out. Women do camouflage-ing (er?) if she had or need to. And no, hindi totoo ang babae eh mas mataas pa ang emotional level kaysa sa height n’ya. Sa ganitong babae, it was her pride that makes her look stronger – with a little help of alcohol and few bogus curses, of course. “Tao din yan na marunong masaktan, yun nga lang marunong lang magdala,” one of my friend said when we shared coffee while doing “bonding time” (a.k.a.: Tsismisan). Our friend named Ana (not her real name—duh) an Engineer married with two kids, caught her husband with another woman—in bed! Woo-hoo! Ana told us that she can live without that man, that she can make a living and raise her kids by her own without the help of that fucking bastard. N’ung pinagmamasdan ko s’ya habang sinasabi n’ya yon, sabi ko sa sarili ko “Superman?”, but I know her really, and I can tell she wants to cry na. Susundutin ko sana yung mata para umiyak lang kaso natatawa ako eh.

Anyway, Ana was an independent woman. She earns twice more than her husband. And maybe that’s the answer to the question. Dominance lingers there. Add to that, she’s not that submissive, she’s more on control. Perhaps her husband felt impotent, perhaps he doesn’t need a woman—he perhaps needed a wife, and he discovered that on the other side of the bridge where another woman awaits for him to be cared for, of which they will start in burgeoning friendship and mutuality. Then after the beans had spilled, a monster emerged known as ‘infidelity’. Next, the lies and deception would be branded as sacred, and finally the eleventh commandments—thou shall not tell the truth—was the only thing they’ll holding on to. It sucks, I know, but that happens. If Ana or her husband was not that an ‘asshole’ they could see things differently.

Though I awed Ana’s qualities, as in no weak spot there, like her kind, this kind women has tons of qualities than men, however, I find acceptance is not included on their list. Since the day she was chained in marriage, her mind automatically focus on one thing; never, ever get intimidated. She has brains, yes, but no brain for emotion nonetheless. She was tough, hard as a shell to deal with, and I can imagine how her husband ‘scared shitless’ in times of her mayhem. What happened next to their telenovela life was indeed predictable. The husband admitted his mistakes for the sake of his family, but sadly, Ana kept hers. She filed an annulment case and custody of their children. Rules of engagement indeed, thanks for the help of a lawyer friend. One time I told her to give her husband a chance, for the reason the mistake was not entirely his to intake. In fact, my sincerity was not for hers, it was for their children. Putcha, n’ung sinabi ko yon, she almost bit my head off. Hindi ko daw alam ang sinasabi ko kaya hindi ko daw s’ya maintindihan. How can you tell a person she’s an ass sometimes and listened to what your heart tells you in a diplomatic way? I don’t know. But I do know she’s starting to comprehend everything.

Any Advice? You’re not retarded and you know that. Give your man a chance to prove himself he’s worth it. Avoid dominance; lessen the ego, the swollen pride, the self-importance. Your man knows who you are. You don’t have to slap it into his face. He needs his wife, not a robot.

Putarages na muka yan!

On the third part, the last one; The Pushy. This type of Eve was the combination of 1 and 2 and a lot more. In short – nagger. Always on a doubt, always complaining. Maganda nga, tamang hinala naman. Napikon si lalaki dahil lagi s’yang pinagbibintangan, at ang engot na lalaki sinunod naman! Wheew, tao nga naman.

In this case, hindi mo sila maririnig na mahinahon, like “Ako lang mahal mo ha” or something like that. Instead sa mga ganitong klase ang mga babaeng-tamang hinala ay ganito: “Putangina ka, kaya ka siguro late na umuwe dahil may babae ka noh! Umamin ka hayop ka. Walang over-over time sa kin, animal ka! Malaman ko lang na pumatong ka sa iba, dudurugin ko bayag mo!”...or something like that. Weird noh? If I was his man, I’ll immediately put a cork into her mouth before she can breathe fire into my face. Daig pa pakakak mag-ingay! Yung tipong susubo ka palang ng dinner mo, may bayad na (ex. “Bigay mo muna sahod mo bago ka lumamon!”). Lasunin mo nalang, punyeta!

Any woman has a built-in amplifier inside their body.
They just use megaphones to masked it.

Very short lang ang description ko sa third part na ito. I think naman you can get the picture. Like I said, men need silence and they know men can’t win an argument against women dahil ang babae praktisado sa multi-tasking; nagluluto-naglalaba, nagtutupi-nagsasampay, nagbubunganga-habang may binabatong kasangkapan sa ere. They thought by grabbing the man’s balls all will be well. Literall, oo. Emotionally, no. Ang lalaki once nasaktan mo ang pride, gaganti. Buti kung gagantihan ka ng kabaitan, eh pano kung gawin kang pincushion n’yan at humanap ng iba? Eh di iyak-tawa ka nalang. However, how much mo pa i-push ang husband mo sa brink of loosing, a man has no right to have another woman. It was the law. Law of human. It’s okay if we didn’t have one, but sadly there was. Kaso porket may batas para sa mga abuse wives eh lalakas na loob mo mag-inarte. No. ‘Wag ganun. Love your man the way you loved him before. Honor them, feel them, support them.

Any Advice? Easy. Shut up for once.

Part II